Joes Jokes

[fatboyjoe90]

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

Paddy's dog has been missing for a couple of days and he's heartbroken. Paddy's wife say’s " why don't you put a notice in the newsagents window?"
Paddy thinks this is great idea so he writes out a note and sticks it in the shop window.
After another couple of days pass his missus says " I thought we would have heard something by now Paddy
what did you write in the notice?"
*
Paddy answers "Here Boy!

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

Tom,

[fatboyjoe90]

[BossHogg]

[Bernie R]

[Bonesy]

Keith

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Some good jokes on this thread, I'm just catching up!!

Loretta

[fatboyjoe90]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
"You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterward, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess.

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

Two dumb guys were taking their first train trip.
They opened their lunch boxes and both took out bananas, which they'd never seen before.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said,
"I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

[fatboyjoe90]

I was walking along the beach with my wife the other day.
"It's interesting, isn't it." I said. "A woman can walk down the beach in her bra and panties and people would stare and go, 'oh, my, that's a bit wrong, that!' and yet, if she walked along the beach in a two piece bikini people wouldn't even bat an eyelid. And, when you think about it, a two piece bikini is pretty much just a bra and panties. So, logically, you should be able to walk down the beach, in bra and panties, and nobody should care!"
And she said to me,
"I don't care Take them off!"

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Loretta

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

Some good ones there Tom.

[fatboyjoe90]

Creative thinking an elderly man living alone in Milton Keynes wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Paul,
I am feeling sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Paul.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Loretta

[fatboyjoe90]

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!" My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

[fatboyjoe90]

I was walking in the jungle the other day when I saw a Monkey with a banana in one hand and a tin opener in the other.
I said to him "You've don't need a tin opener to peel a banana"
He replied "I know, it's for the custard"

[fatboyjoe90]

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

I was shopping with my wife earlier when she decided to put the lottery on.
"What the hell are you putting that on for?!"
"What? You never know when you're going to get lucky!"
"For Christ's sake man, just take the condom off and give me £2 for this lucky dip!" my wife yelled.


My wife bought an iPad recently so we could FaceTime while I'm away on business:
"Seems a bit expensive" I said.
"I thought it was what you wanted" she replied.
"What makes you think that?" I asked,
"Because you always say I'm the last person you want to see when you're going to bed."